THE FOUNDATIONAL PROCESSES OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

THE FOUNDATIONAL PROCESSES OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

Foundation means the basis on which something rests. There are points that make a marriage accepted as a real union.

     (1) Formation:

Normally marriage starts with two persons- a man and a woman, adults, capable of fending for themselves. No marriage exists between animals except man. Two people – a man and a woman meet at any point and place including the church, social gatherings, market place, higher institution, during a travel, at workplace, the internet etc.

They agree to come and live together under one roof as husband and wife. The man being the husband, and the woman being the wife of the relationship. They decide to pull their resources-human and materials together for their future life. The man and woman agree to have children. They are not ashamed of each other. They enjoy staying together, eating, drinking, discussing, playing etc.

(2) Proper Introduction of Partners to themselves: 

It is expected that Partners in a healthy Marriage come together at a natural place to know each other better. They should among other issues reveal their parental status, their family status including their extended family if that exists, their qualifications, financial status, likes and dislikes.

They also reveal their character referees and friends. They reveal the source of their income- Salary earner, professional or vocational. Salary earner includes government worker or a worker under a private or public institution. A professional includes a doctor in his/her private hospitals, Engineer in his own establishment or a teacher in his/her private institution; missionaries are under the vocational and nongovernmental organizations etc.

 (3) Financial Status, Assets and Liabilities of Partners:

 

Having known the points in numbers one and two above, it is good for the partners to know the level of income, assets and liabilities of each other. Some partners who are sincere will gladly reveal all these, while those who are selfish will hide the truth about their income, assets and liabilities.

 This point if not ascertained at this entry point of the relationship can create a lot of confusion and troubles between the partners when the marriage is fully consummated.

 A partner then will say, “but you told me this and that, now I see all are lies”

 (4) Introduction to Partners’ Parents and Relations:

 The partners in a Healthy Marriage do not start life without the knowledge of their parents and relations. The partners agree to meet their respective parents and relations on agreed dates and places for formal introductions.

The partners inform their parents of their intention to go into marital relationship. The method of introduction to each of the partner’s parents and relations may differ from locality to locality.

In some communities, partners buy presents for their parents and relations as a mark of respect. In some other areas it is straight forward information without gifts. This is not a telephone call or an email letter. The partners must really get to their parents and relations, if the partners are truly in love with each other.

This is the real proof of their marital commitment.

(5) Parents’/Relations Questions to the Partners:

 In a Healthy Marriage, parents and relations help to guide their children who want to enter into marital relationship. The following questions arise at the meeting with parents and relations.

 (a) What is the name of your partner?

(b) Where does your partner come from?

 (c) Have you been able to trace the background of your partner and are you satisfied that you can cope with his/her people?

(d) Have you ascertained whether the family of your partner has any of these traits in their lineage, example, madness, suicide, witchcraft, stealing, and sicknesses like epilepsy, those who die young and under a curse of a divinity?

These questions are asked to know possible areas of assistance or outright rejection. When all these questions meet satisfactory answers, then both partners’ families either give their consent or rejection.

This is because in a case where problems burse out in the future, the families of both partners will join heads to find solutions.

When rejection is the reaction of parents and relations, the parents and relations may not help during troubles in the future, if the partners go ahead with their relationship. In a Healthy Marriage, “love is not blind”. This makes a Healthy Marriage unique.

(6) Performance of Traditional and Legal Rites:

A Healthy Marriage is unique if given traditional and legal backing. This makes the relationship to be publicly accepted. In Africa and some parts of the world, a Healthy Marriage is dignified.

One expects that partners perform the dully recognized traditional rites acceptable by the primary community where the marriage will flourish. The partners cannot live outside of the human community. They cannot be “an island” in the community. This stage takes a lot of money, gifts and advices.

 This stage thus introduces the partners to the public. This is also dependent on locality. However, some localities in Africa do not take much money and items during marital traditional rites of partners in a marriage.

 The burden is shifted to burial time of partners’ parents and relations. Then the partners are expected to play active financial roles.

(7) Wedding:

 The wedding or tying of the nuptial nuts is dependent on the agreement of the partners. Some partners like traditional wedding in which the entire community is involved. Others like to get clearance from their respective parents and go to court for statutory wedding.

Further some go to church or mosque to solemnize the marriage. All these are acceptable. The three forms can be seen in a Healthy Marriage. In Africa, the two most acceptable and recognized forms of marriage are the Traditional wedding done on the locality level and statutory weddings done in the court or the Marriage registry.

Churches can solemnize marriages. It is very dangerous for churches to perform marriages ceremonies without licenses.

Note :

(a)Every traditional marriage in Africa without statutory marriage in court is prone to polygamy marriage. There is no law prohibiting a man from contracting another marriage after a traditional marriage if the first marriage does not meet required standard

.

(b)Every statutory marriage contracted and dully registered in court or marriage registry closes the door for polygamy except withdrawing partners are ready to face the consequences of their withdrawal

(c) Church marriage without formal marriage registration in court or marriage registry throws the marriage of partners into confusion, should any of the partners see that the marriage lacks “CHEMISTRY”. Even if the church pronounces for” better, for worse, until death do…”One of the partners cannot wait to die for the above statement, seeing that his/her marriage has Broken down without rescue.

The quest for second marriage is inevitable if the above occurs. It is good for Healthy Marriage to have protection from undisciplined minds. It is advisable to hold the three forms of weddings in order to give adequate security to the Healthy Marriage.

The rating is as follows: (i) Traditional Marriage-Compulsory (ii)Statutory Marriage-Compulsory (iii)Church Marriage –Optional

(iv) All the forms of wedding (i)-(iii) above necessary. The reason for the above assertions are that marriages need security and any partner who wants to jump any of the forms or levels stated in (a),(b) and (c) above is trying to fool the other partner. So if (a) and (b) above are contracted, they are both compulsory.

It is appropriate to have the Healthy Marriage blessed because the church will not recognize the marriage of partners which is not blessed in the church. In some churches, the partners can be denied of receiving the Holy Communion, investitures and other blessings of the church, if the partners are Christians.